Parris Island, SC — Cadences filled the ear as USMC recruits are marched in tight formation lead by their drill instructors. But while the recruits are scared of upsetting their drill instructors, a nearby Navy medical officer is worried about something far worse.
The United States Marine Corps prides themselves on their precision ability to overwhelm the enemy as the spearhead of the US military. They would often proudly shout iconic phrases such as “Semper Fi!” or “Oorah!” while executing their assigned tasks over the centuries. No other branch can match the level of excitement that the U.S. Marine Corps offers with their heritage.
But something has changed.
Commander Edward Green, a Navy medical officer, is assigned to investigate a disturbing trend that was noticed many years ago but was never taken seriously until now. He was assigned to determine what was causing the Marine Corps vocabulary ability to decline at a rate far beyond that of the American public.
“We don’t know what causes it,” admitted Cmdr. Green. “But this downward trend has been accelerating after every conflict to where ASVAB scores are currently abysmal for the Marine Corps, especially in the word knowledge and paragraph comprehension sections.”
The Navy displayed a graph that detailed the vocabulary of the average Marine grunt from the inception of the USMC to the modern day. The chart looked similar to a negative exponential math problem. Cmdr. Green highlights the points on the graphs, detailing their scientific method of determining the average vocabulary of a Marine.
“Here is our first point–the official adoption of “Semper Fidelis” for the Marine Corps in 1883.”
Cmdr. Green’s finger begins to follow the trail down a deep slope. “Soon we simply have ‘Semper Fi’, an abbreviation of ‘Semper Fidelis’, beginning around World War 2. Then we have the motto changed from Latin to English–‘Always Faithful’–around the Gulf war. It appears they were unable to decipher their own Latin motto anymore.”
The Navy’s worry for the Marine Corps was also noticed by news stations. Just last week Hyperion Might tried to ask a USMC spokesperson about their views on the current Navy / Air Force disputes but was met with only grunts and short phrases. “An example of things to come,” suggests the Commander.
Cadences from the drill instructors once again fill the ear–but when focusing on the words they appear to be gibberish. Somehow the recruits were able to execute precise drill movements under the watchful eye of their drill instructors who were shouting ineligible grunts in a lyrical fashion. The Navy has long hypothesized that the recruits don’t actually listen to their drill instructor’s words, but rather only listening for a change in their pitch.
“By the early Iraq war, the Marines began to only shout ‘Oorah’ as the phrase ‘Always Faithful’ became too complicated,” continued Cmdr. Green. “But now they’ve even shortened that to simply ‘rah’. When we ask them a question that required more of a response they would only say ‘kill bodies’.”
The situation has deteriorated so dramatically that the Navy Recruiting Command has been temporarily assigning new Navy recruits directly to the USMC without their consent to fill the gaps in Marine Corps recruitment.
This move was authorized after USMC recruiters have been unable to satisfactorily entice new recruits ever since the wars in the Middle East have died down. Usually, the Marines were able to show patriotic images of personnel charging into battle or slaying dragons with badass swords. However, due to the upcoming peacetime Marine Corps, words–not images–will be needed for recruitment.
“We’re not really misleading them,” explained Petty Officer 2nd Class April Neller. “We’re just looking for the ones who get distracted by shiny objects we strategically place around the room. They never notice the difference or complain about us even after going through boot camp.”
“We truly believe we’re making their lives better. Just look at this photo, they look so happy!”
To make matters worse, while the USMC is having a hard time even getting recruits interested, they’re also having a hard time keeping them. The USMC recently launched a new ASVAB scoring policy where the Word Knowledge (WK) and Paragraph Comprehension (PC) sections are no longer scored due to lack of passing recruits.
Meanwhile back at Parris Island, “FUCK-FACE!” was suddenly heard thundering across a nearby drill pad. The drill instructor’s body moved at near the speed of light towards a paralyzed recruit. The drill instructor’s knife hands and body movement reminiscent that of the Terminator as he sped off to dispense some indiscriminate justice. Cmdr. Green made a note on his clipboard.
“While [the Marine Corps is] having a hard time with recruiting, they’re having absolutely no trouble keeping them once they’re in,” said Cmdr. Green. “Marines appear to be content with life once they reach the fleet. We don’t have any issues keeping them in. In fact, we’ve been forced to put in a ton of unnecessary restrictions on their promotion process to prevent them from growing too powerful.”
The Commander’s remarks reference the recently declassified program where the Navy forces the Marine Corps to compare PT standards for their promotion process. This was done to see how many Marines could hurt themselves and get medically disqualified in the process so that only the luckiest could promote. It also helps prevent paying higher BAH and retirement over time.
“Otherwise [the Marines] would never leave! They’re so content here that they could never consider being a civilian again,” he explained. “It was the only way.”
“Thankfully, however, the Navy doesn’t have that problem with our junior enlisted. That’s why we only mandate the alcoholic brainwashing program for Navy Chief’s and above to help subconsciously convince them to screw up so that we can kick them out.”
When later asked if the reason for USMC happiness was also due to Navy brainwashing, the Commander looked appalled. “Let’s not be so scientifically inaccurate here,” he clarified.
“There’s no need for us to bring the word ‘brain’ into this conversation.”